Am I selfish?

So I am in my mid 20s. I have grown up being called difficult and annoying. I dont have many friends but I do have a large family. I dont have people

So I am in my mid 20s. I have grown up being called difficult and annoying. I dont have many friends but I do have a large family. I dont have people who would want me around coz Im boring and I talk about ideas and stuff that intrigues me or the environment. I find it really hard to communicate with people. I dont like my eldest brother and father but I dont know if my past contribute to me being so selfish. I was physically abuse alot when I was around 6-17 yrs. I often wished I hadnt lived but music saved me but you cant depend on one entity forever as our mind expands. My dad and eldest brother are very selfish they want me to be successful so they often bend me to their will. I dont have any connection with them like father to son or brother to brother as they are never there to talk about issues coz theyd belittle you coz ur younger. I think one of my selfish area is that I often speak my mind and regardless others feelings. I did this to my dad, I told him that if I ate the food ( made by mom ) I would always think I owe him something coz he always brag about how he impact us (Mom did like 80% of the work to put food in our mouths and all he did was drink but 20% was him working on the farm years ago).

I think im selfish because I treat them bad like ignoring them or not listening to them ( coz I got a job they respect me for that ) but personally I like to help people in trouble and donate my savings to charity. I hope I didnt brag or upset people that read this.

or:So I am in my mid 20s. I have grown up being called difficult and annoying. I dont have many friends but I do have a large family. I dont have people who would want me around coz Im boring and I talk about ideas and stuff that intrigues me or the environment. I find it really hard to communicate with people. I dont like my eldest brother and father but I dont know if my past contribute to me being so selfish. I was physically abuse alot when I was around 6-17 yrs. I often wished I hadnt lived but music saved me but you cant depend on one entity forever as our mind expands. My dad and eldest brother are very selfish they want me to be successful so they often bend me to their will. I dont have any connection with them like father to son or brother to brother as they are never there to talk about issues coz theyd belittle you coz ur younger. I think one of my selfish area is that I often speak my mind and regardless others feelings. I did this to my dad, I told him that if I ate the food ( made by mom ) I would always think I owe him something coz he always brag about how he impact us (Mom did like 80% of the work to put food in our mouths and all he did was drink but 20% was him working on the farm years ago). I think im selfish because I treat them bad like ignoring them or not listening to them ( coz I got a job they respect me for that ) but personally I like to help people in trouble and donate my savings to charity. I hope I didnt brag or upset people that read this.

or:Your problem is not whether you are selfish but the fact you were abused and are not in therapy for it. The issues you have are all related to that abuse.Until you deal with those issues, how you relate to your family is going to be exceedingly problematic. I cannot recommend strongly enough that you get therapy now. If you do, you will find the issues with your family will become corrected. Good luck!

or:Selfish people always put themselves first, no matter what. Seems to me, you have a problem with people because you have low self esteem. Which is perfectly normal under your circumstances. I strongly suggest you find a good therapist with experience dealing with abuse. Often entire families are dysfunctional, so that's not the place you will find help you need. I say what I think or feel, and sometimes it does offend someone - but that's better than lying or agreeing just to keep the peace. You are not selfish.

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