Why am I so depressed?

im not really one for expression nor am i one who needs compassion and attention . so i dont need people thinking im one of u weak minded average joe

im not really one for expression nor am i one who needs compassion and attention . so i don't need people thinking im one of u weak minded average joe who throws expression around without aim and is seeking some kind of refuge from my current state . in fact the only reason i share here is because i don't personally know anyone here and have the choice to face you if i feel the need . therefore I'll share what i feel is essential . im 17 . i suppose u can say i suffer from depression but that sounds rather submissive to me . i don't really like my life . i live in a small town in California in the middle of nowhere and is rarely brought up outside of the weather report . ive observed a lot of things throughout my life good and bad and all other range of predicaments . i like to consider myself an intellectual kind of person so i try my hardest not to bullshit myself and just b a straight up guy therefore i can confidently say that the life I'm living is awful . it's not so much that I'm getting static from other people and that kind of stuff . I just feel like I don't belong anywhere . My parents got a divorce and only a couple months after i moved out and got a job when I was 16 but I recently lost it and in can't afford to live at my brothers house . i feel like I'm stuck in my head and I can't get out and everyone that talks to me or try's to interact with is just some petty form of getting something out of me instead of genuine care. don't you ever feel like ur the one who is always trying harder in the relationship - well that's how I feel w my girl ( or whatever she is to me [its complicated]) i feel like im putting my all in and im just not getting the correct response back . I feel like ( with no pride intended) that I'm a lot more 'experienced' than my peers and I'm sorta out of place . I'm home schooled now and am going to a military academy in 2 1/2 months bc I have no idea what I should live for right now . I don't know if I really wanna kill myself but I think I do . I know God . But I feel like God doesn't know me or he would maybe shoot me a message back or guide me a little but I feel nothing . I've never said this aloud bc I'm only comfortable enough to type it . i just got a lot more problems that I'm trying to deal with too outside of this . I'm open for suggestions . If someone can genuinely convince me to change my life some way I might .

or:im not really one for expression nor am i one who needs compassion and attention . so i don't need people thinking im one of u weak minded average joe who throws expression around without aim and is seeking some kind of refuge from my current state . in fact the only reason i share here is because i don't personally know anyone here and have the choice to face you if i feel the need . therefore I'll share what i feel is essential . im 17 . i suppose u can say i suffer from depression but that sounds rather submissive to me . i don't really like my life . i live in a small town in California in the middle of nowhere and is rarely brought up outside of the weather report . ive observed a lot of things throughout my life good and bad and all other range of predicaments . i like to consider myself an intellectual kind of person so i try my hardest not to bullshit myself and just b a straight up guy therefore i can confidently say that the life I'm living is awful . it's not so much that I'm getting static from other people and that kind of stuff . I just feel like I don't belong anywhere . My parents got a divorce and only a couple months after i moved out and got a job when I was 16 but I recently lost it and in can't afford to live at my brothers house . i feel like I'm stuck in my head and I can't get out and everyone that talks to me or try's to interact with is just some petty form of getting something out of me instead of genuine care. don't you ever feel like ur the one who is always trying harder in the relationship - well that's how I feel w my girl ( or whatever she is to me [its complicated]) i feel like im putting my all in and im just not getting the correct response back . I feel like ( with no pride intended) that I'm a lot more 'experienced' than my peers and I'm sorta out of place . I'm home schooled now and am going to a military academy in 2 1/2 months bc I have no idea what I should live for right now . I don't know if I really wanna kill myself but I think I do . I know God . But I feel like God doesn't know me or he would maybe shoot me a message back or guide me a little but I feel nothing . I've never said this aloud bc I'm only comfortable enough to type it . i just got a lot more problems that I'm trying to deal with too outside of this . I'm open for suggestions . If someone can genuinely convince me to change my life some way I might .

or:I don't know if I can convince you to change your life, but I can say that what you're feeling isn't as uncommon as you'd imagine. As isolating as it feels, there are millions of us out here who felt that way too. For some of us, it gets easier. For some, it doesn't.You're at a difficult point in life, and your parents divorce and your job situation are making something that is already difficult, even more difficult. The thing is, though, if you can get through this, you can get through most things and be okay. Hold tight. Try and get through it. Forget positive change or anything like that. Just survive this and it gets easier. And then you're ahead of the curve because all the people who never had it bad are suddenly going to be in your situation without your experience of getting through it.

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